This one comes up surprisingly often. I hear it myself quite a lot, being the proud mommy of a very long haired little boy. Long hair, apparently, is for girls. Not according to my son, but according to many people who feel the need to let me know that most little boys have short hair. I know this. My son knows this (and he's two and a half, so it's not really a difficult observation to make), but he loves his hair. And it's his hair, so he gets to choose what to do with it. I make sure he knows his options and then I leave it at that. So far, he hasn't wanted to cut it. One day, he might. That would be fine. He hates having it brushed, and knows that there would be no/less brushing with a hair cut. So far, the tradeoff hasn't been worth it in his mind. I had a "long hair is for girls" speech take a comical turn when someone told me that long hair was for girls and I should cut his hair. I explained that it's his hair and he can choose to cut it. The concerned individual told me "His hair will get caught in a fan! You have to cut it. For safety." It took all I could muster not to jump into the can of worms that one opened up. Is it acceptable for girls to get caught in a fan with their long hair? Or are boys more susceptible to predatory fans? How many other things should be cut off in the name of safety? I managed to smile and joke: "I had very long hair for the first 10 years of my life. It never got caught in a fan, though I grew up around a LOT of fans. My pinkie finger got stuck in one once, but I'm glad my parents didn't cut that off just in case." The individual in question rolled their eyes and a few observers giggled, and that was that, but that's not the only incident I've heard where illogical gender roles are assigned to children in the strangest of ways, all quietly saying "this is what's expected", not leaving much open for imagination, personality, and choice.
Now I'm not calling for the melting down of gender into one gender neutral sea of sameness, far the opposite, actually. I'm just saying we should stop pushing so hard the idea that "this is not for you, because you're a BOY or a GIRL", and let our boys and girls choose what makes them happy, builds their imaginations, and lets them show who they are instead of who we expect them to be. I do think that shops should organize clothes into boys and girls, because that's a nice and easy way to organize them, but if my son picks a purple shirt with a pink unicorn on it and it makes him happy, he's free to take it home, because I'm not going to be the one to say "that's for GIRLS, you can't have it, put it back." But personal appearances are all we've touched on so far, and what I really wanted to get into was...
Toys. Baby Dolls, Construction Vehicles, Hula Hoops, Train Sets, Play Kitchens, Monster Trucks, Play Jewelry, Dragons, Fairies, and Fire Engines. It seems that everywhere you turn there are very deeply ingrained rules about which toys are for which gender and it's pretty widely accepted. I really hope we never see the day that my son puts away one of his favorite toys because someone told him it was for girls and he shouldn't play with it, but I know odds are good that's something we'll have to face. There are several infographics like this one out on the wonderful internets, and I think it rings very true, with a tongue in cheek reminder of who can play with what toy:
It's funny because it's true! We don't have to put our children's awesome and active imaginations into these tiny boxes of "boys only" and "girls only". We don't have to teach them that things are unattainable or off limits simply because they were born one way or another. We can be the parents that tell our children doors are open to them, not closed. We can start by encouraging other parents to listen and open doors to their own children, and we can be the support for them by paving the road, showing the way, and leading by example. There's nothing wrong with a little boy with short hair playing monster trucks in a mud puddle, or a little girl doing the same. And if my long haired little boy is whipping up some Melissa and Doug sushi in his play kitchen to feed his baby doll while a load of teeny doll size cloth diapers are in the imaginary washing machine, your little boy or girl is welcome to join him. We're hoping to keep doors open for him, whoever he turns out to be. And from one parent to another, you're doing just fine. I'm here to say it! And that toy your kid has? It's for anybody. Celebrate it!
This!! All of this!! Thank you for your post. I was in gb yesterday admiring a kitchen recently displayed. I'm carrying my son (due late June), and am at that phase in which I imagine all of the games we will play when he's slightly older. Why shouldn't house be one of them? I didn't give it a second thought. Upon telling my MIL, she was horrified. "What are you trying to accomplish," she asked with crossed arms. I'll spare you the play-by-play, but my final sentence was, "If I raise a boy who reflects on his childhood with fondness and appreciation for every opportunity he had to be himself, I've accomplished a tremendous goal." Thank the stars her son, my hubs, is much more progressive! This is all to say, RIGHT ON!! Your post couldn't have been more appropriately timed!
ReplyDeleteMy boy plays house with his trucks and watches My Little Pony. I think all toddlers like to pretend their toys are mommies and daddys and babies.
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