It's something you hear from the moment you even think about having kids; someone a little further down the adventurous path that is parenthood hears you mention that you would maybe like to hike down that path yourself, and then it starts. And I doubt it ever stops. But it should.
You might be familiar with it. A family is having a hard time getting pregnant, and mentions it sadly to some pregnant and parenting friends only to hear "Just wait! You'll wish you were not pregnant in a heartbeat once you can't see your feet which are swollen like melons." Or a pregnant mama is uncomfortable and having a hard time sleeping. A parent with an infant pipes up "Oh you think you're sleepy now! Just wait! He cries all the time, colic, you know! I don't sleep a wink." Or a parent with a fussy newborn is tired and having a hard time adjusting to life with a family expanded by one (or more!), and a parent with a toddler says "oh just wait! This is the easy part. They actually sleep for a bit and can't move on their own around the house wrecking it all day." Or a parent of a rambunctious and energetic toddler says he's at his wit's end and having a hard time communicating. So a parent with school age kids say " Yep! Just wait! It only gets worse from here, that attitude of theirs just gets bigger and harder to handle. AND they know more words to use it with." Or a parent who is troubled by her kid's acting out in elementary school hears "This is the easy age! Just wait until they're teenagers! Rebellious and full of sass and out to all hours, they don't even talk to me anymore."
It happens all the time, I hear it said to me, my friends, passersby and strangers alike. It comes from those closest to us and those we don't know at all. Maybe it even comes from us to others! It is seen, often, as an acceptable way to discuss the bumps in the road we're all sharing.
Maybe it's intended well, maybe it's seen as sharing a common problem, even though the "victim" who needs to "just wait" doesn't know it yet. Maybe it's because the listener just needed an outlet and instead of actually listening and providing support and wisdom of one who's traveled the road a bit longer, decided to dump their woes instead. Maybe it's spiteful, but I doubt it. I think usually it's said without thought to the harm it could cause.
But I won't leave you there, because that's a sad place. There's hope! We can change this. We can become the parents who leave out the negative and bring in the positive. Here's how:
1. Usually, the "just wait..." comment follows the first speaker sharing something challenging in their life right now. Resist the urge to immediately respond from your own troubles. Listen. Genuinely listen. Relate if you can. Remember that it WAS hard at that phase, or if it wasn't for you, it is for them. Your life may not always be relevant, but their troubles are real and their emotions are valid. They're trusting and confiding in you. Please respect and embrace that. You can then share your troubles if you need to, but take the time to hear them out and validate them first. You'll be glad you did.
2. If you absolutely MUST use the phrase "just wait", like you absolutely cannot control yourself and the words are just fighting their way out of your voice box like escaped fugitives, then make the rest of your statement one of joy and positivity. Think of ONE positive thing about the next "phase" the other parent has to look forward to and speak to that, not their next pothole while they're already dealing with one. Who needs two things to dread?
3. Stay in the moment. Encourage them to stay in the moment. POSITIVELY. Speak on the positive. Remind them that it gets better. Support them. Remind them that they are not alone and aren't those 2 AM snuggles so sweet, even when we're tired? Why just wait? Amazing things are happening RIGHT NOW. Let's not miss them!
Thanks for writing this Courtney! When my husband and I were considering having children I was very hesitant because most people with children only told me about the negative aspects of children. Very few focused on the positives.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, I decided to focus on the positive aspects of having a family, I'm currently 5 months pregnant with my first. I've made it a point to only focus on the positive aspects of my pregnancy, and hope to do the same when our son is born. I know being a parent is going to be hard, but I also know it will be the most rewardng thing I do in life.
We really need to be cognizant of comments we make and how they affect others. Thanks again!
Okay, so my oldest is not yet 12 and my baby is 2.5 (I have six) but there is something to love and adore about every single stage, from that first newborn moment of squishy cuteness to the amazing and thought provoking and sweet questions from my almost teenager discovering the world. My regret is that each stage passes so fast and I didn't stop often enough to just stare in their eyes and listen to their rambling and sometimes incoherent but so sincere questions. I've vowed to do that more. Yep, it's hard but it's the most wonderfully hard thing I can imagine - to support these little people as they grow.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. I can remember back when I had my little girl. When describing how wonderful she was, I heard multiple people say, "Oh you just wait until the "terrible twos". I refused to accept the terrible twos. I would always respond by saying, "I am expecting the terrific twos". And you know what, I thank God that that was exactly what I got. I am so blessed to have been nurtured by very positive people and understand the value of every "spoken word"
ReplyDeleteAmen to this. People can be so negative without even thinking about it. One thing I really appreciate is older women (more grandmother age than mother age) because they are not in the throes of any childrearing stages--IME they are way more positive than moms of kids under 18.
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