Guest Post: Giving Feedback to Children

Many parents are used to giving praise-based feedback.  Words like “good job” and “great” get tossed around to the point they become diluted.  Author and researcher, Alfie Kohn also believes praise-based feedback creates “praise junkies” out of children.

With that said, why not practice other ways to give “feedback” to children that might help the child grow and progress?

Here are a few ideas how to take “good job” and “great” out of your parenting repertoire:

1.      Say nothing.  “Sometimes the best parents are the ones with teeth marks on their tongue” (slightly modified quote from Kohn’s work).  Does everything a child does need your stamp of approval or your measure of worthiness?

2.      Describe what you notice and ask the child to “tell” you about their experience.  For example, you might say, “I noticed you finished your entire book this afternoon.  Tell me about the story.  Or after your child scores a winning goal, “I noticed you scored an important goal, tell me about that moment.”

3.      Ask the child a reflective question.  Reflective questions are open-ended and usually start with “how” or “what.”  For example,

·         (After a child brings home a straight-A report card):  What helped you earn straight A’s?

·         (After a child puts away all their laundry):  How did you do that so quickly?

·         (After a child makes their own breakfast):  How can I help you learn to make other morning meals?

Notice the difference between the three ideas above and praise-based feedback.  Praise-based feedback does nothing to help the child improve or grow; it just feeds the child’s praise junkie side.  While the three suggested ideas encourage the child to be reflective and thoughtful.

Jen Lara teaches full-time at Anne Arundel Community College as a Professor of Education.  In addition to studying {life} coaching, she blogs at www.upcyclededucation.com.  With two Masters degrees in education from University of Colorado and Johns Hopkins University, Jen infuses her parenting classes with the best of teaching and {life} coaching combined.  Prior to moving to the Columbia, Maryland area, Jen worked with K-12 students in suburban Denver, on the Navajo Nation, in Quito, Ecuador, in inner-city Baltimore and on ropes courses in North Carolina and Arizona. When not tethered to her laptop, Jen enjoys reading, hiking, spending time with her family (Paul, Olive and Jedi the dog) and all things Colorado and crafty.