Communicating with Kids: Speaking in the Positive

 I have a child a lot like me, very strong willed, easy to get a temper, highly opinionated, and very independent. These personality traits, while endearing, can cause a few bumps (or large pot holes) in communication. Through trial and error, a little common sense that wasn't so common to me once, and some changing of my own perceptions and habits, I've found a few ways to communicate with my son, and for that matter, most people, in a way that saves me a few frustrations, melt downs, and tears, on both sides!

 I'm sure there's a much more detailed name out there somewhere, but all I can call it is "speaking in the positive". As parents we have to keep our kids safe and healthy and often that means saying "no." But saying no can be painful for everyone, and when overused, it can lose it's meaning and power. When I can, I trade out no for yes. For example, instead of "no running in here!" I say "Let's please walk when you're in the kitchen" or instead of "don't throw that!" saying "I know that looks like fun to throw, but it's not a throwing toy. Let's throw this ball or soft toy instead!" Same meaning, far more pleasant the second way. I'm not shutting down his fun, I'm providing a positive outlet and a guide for the behavior I want instead of focusing on the behavior I don't want. I think of it like someone saying "don't think of pink elephants!". Suddenly, you can only think of one thing. I don't want either of us to have to focus on the undesirable behavior any more than we need to.

I've found that while it has been a challenge to change my habits, once I taught myself to notice how often I spoke in the negative, it was a pretty quick switch to get out of it. I found that I would speak in the negative often, to kids and adults alike. Changing to the positive has helped in my relationship too. Instead of "don't just sit there!" I've switched to "can you lend me a hand with this?" and several arguments have been avoided. I'm no expert in communication, but this one little change has made all the difference. What communication challenges do you face? Do you have any tips or creative solutions?